speaking of babies

I sort of have baby fever lately. Something I thought would NEVER happen to me. I was adamant since I was a teenager that I did not want kids...ever. Just my farm with lots of animals!  However, lately I have been thinking that maybe I do want A kid, not kids, but one kid. Oh, and the farm with the lots of animals...kid or no kid that will never change.

It terrifies me though. I really dont know what kind of mom I would make. My pitfalls make me think I would never make mom of the year. I'm impatient, quick tempered, hate ill manners, easily annoyed and really enjoy my down time. Sheesh, I sound like a real drag, haha. Thank goodness all these shortcomings rear their ugly heads only on occasion...for the most part=p I also am aware that I am pretty selfish. I want to do so many things still.....vet school, travel, field work, buy acres and acres for the Ultimate Plan. It seems a kid might, dare I say, get in the way? Awful, I know. But I'm trying to keep it real.

In talking to Chris, I also mentioned that I feel this world is going to shit and fast. Did I mention I'm pessimistic as well? It would seem a pretty cruel thing to do to bring a kid into this world in the state that its in. Chris said that is one reason why I should have a kid. Someone who cares about the planet, about women, animals, who is kind, compassionate and wants to make a positive difference. All the things I want and strive to be.

I said it seems like I would be raising a soldier. I suppose I would be in a sense. A soldier for good. To help dispel the negativity that has us surrounded on a daily basis. A soldier that fights with love =) I suppose it would be like raising the white flag is I decided this planet isnt worth fighting for. I certainly dont want to do that.

I'm not claiming to be perfect. I fuck up on a daily basis but my hope is that I can nurture the positive qualities that we would bring to a kid. Human beings have inner demons, a dark side of the force in a way (haha) that linger in shadows of our subconscience or souls depending on your beliefs. Every human has it from Ghandi to Mother Theresa. I think though that they learned to acknowledge that aspect, respect that its there and maybe have a cup of tea and work out your differences. But, make it perfectly clear that he's never invited to the party. There is my deep thought for the day. lol.

I will be turning 36 this year(!) I dont feel 36 if thats supposed to feel any different then 30. Yet, I know my body is doing some weird miraculous crazy shit that I cant feel that is telling my mind I should probably start thinking about this baby thing more seriously.

Well, I already have thrown around some names...does that count? haha. I like Helena Grace (H.G Wells!) and Henry James Gerald. Chris like H.G but isnt on board for Henry. He says it reminds him of a serial killer. m'kay.

Harrison James Gerald is a good alternative I think. Classic and strong.

I guess we'll see what happens!